Saturday, November 15, 2008

This is who I am. . .

Come November 17, my parents will celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary. That's three decades of being together. . . in joy and sorrow, the good times and the bad. 

A couple of years ago, when I'd just about started out as a professional journalist with loads of enthusiam, I remember profiling a couple who were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. That's six decades of joy and sorrow, of good times and bad, of love and togetherness. . .

I look around me and the relationships I am in - son, brother, friend and as a singleton. And I wonder where I went wrong, where I failed? I know I tried (and still try) my best, but it never seems enough. I'd love to be the centre of someone's universe. Yet, don't see that happening anytime soon again. But maybe that's my problem - why should it be about me? Does it have to? I don't know. And I guess I'll never know now. . .

The relationsips I've been born into will stay with me forever. I don't have a choice there and there's nothing I can do about them. I'll always be a son and brother, or a nephew or a cousin. . . it doesn't matter whether that relationship is forced or not, wanted or not. I'll have to live with it. . .  this is who I am, this is how it was meant to be. 

I look back and wonder if I left that 20 year old with loads of enthusiam somewhere around the corner. I've met the most amazing people I've known and watch them walk out of my life. Did I try to stop them? Yes. But it was not meant to be. . . there was nothing I could do. And once again I was standing by myself. . .  alone.

Thirty years. Sixty years. Or a lifetime. Will I ever have any of them? I'm afraid all I'll ever have are the memories. . .

Chit-chatting with a friend the other day, we both agreed on one thing - in the end, all we can hope to have are just enough (four actually) relationships to count on one finger of one hand. Three friends and that special someone on your final journey. . . 

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. . . and death comes as the end. 

PS: Happy 30th mum and dad. I wish I was there. 

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