Wednesday, December 24, 2008

This one's for US. . .

It's said that you should always say what's in your heart to the people who matter because you never know when they will no longer be a part of your life. And then it's too late to say anything. For all my way with words, I've never been much of a talker. I've always been a writer. I've lost a very important person in my life. . . no, the person is still there, but it's not the way it was before. It's a loss I don't think I'll ever be able to fill. . .

OK, so where am I going with this? It's Christmas Eve and I'm home alone. I haven't been feeling well again these past few days and today I'm feeling terrible. Why is it that in times like these I feel so alone and vulnerable? I'm told it's human nature. I hope so.

I'm drifting. I admit, I'll never be voted 'Mr Popular'. As a friend in my Master's class said to me, "Salil, you're the kind of guy everyone loves to hate." I'm not sure that was a compliment. This is who I am, but I've changed in the last few years. Old friends and new, of having loved, and lost. . . it's all changed me.

I can't undo the past but I'd like to believe that my conscience was clear. I don't want to carry the burden of guilt and I don't want anyone else to carry it either. I'm still asking questions, but I've stopped looking for answers. . . . 

What appears below is what a wrote for a friend. This was just before I came to London. I thought I'll post it to her, but never got around to actually doing it. I don't know if she will read it here, but I hope she does. . . .

September 07, 2008

It feels funny in a way to be typing this out. But then again, it’s easier to write a letter than actually say what I want to. After all I am a wordsmith. So here goes. . .

You’ve probably always thought of me as the cheeky, over smart, always ready to make a smart ass comment kind of a guy. And I guess that’s the way a lot of people see me as. But behind that outer fa├žade, I’m just another regular guy with his own share of fears and insecurities.

We’ve known each other for close to 3 years now and who’d have thought back then when I first walked into Asif’s that we’d be friends one day. But it’s a friendship that’s grown over the months and years and one that I cherish.

Over the last 2 years, I alone know how I’ve changed as a person – and hopefully for the better. I never realised I was capable of so many emotions. Yes, it’s been one hell of an emotional roller-coaster ride.

OK, so where am I going with this? I’d just like to say “Thank You” for giving me a chance – a chance to be friends. I may have not called often enough, sent text messages every other day or made "let’s meet plans" – but that in no way is a reflection of how important it is for me to have you as a friend. I do realise that sometimes I say or do things that inadvertently hurt people, so if I’ve ever done something like that with you, I apologise.

London
is a new chapter in my life, one I look forward to. At the risk of being overdramatic (but then again, I'm all for the drama), it’s about an ordinary guy with extraordinary dreams. And it wouldn’t have been possible without your faith and belief in me.

Yes, distance will play a role, but I know both you and I will make the effort to keep this friendship going. . . . that’s all.

With love and best wishes,

~ Salil J

No comments: