Wednesday, June 16, 2010

And here I go again. . .

It's 1:43 am on the countdown charts and I'm sleepless. Yes, again. (I really have to come up with an original opening line now; about time!) A nagging cough that refuses to go is to be blamed, partly. Not to mention the fact that my landlord has decided to paint the flat. Oh, how I suffer at the cost of his white walls! Damn!

Among other things, I'm Facebook fatigued to be honest and haven't been on it as much. Though I'm still reeling by all the b'day wishes I got on there. Thank you all you amazing people in all corners of the world. The end of a tough year was made a tad sweeter by the kindness and love of friends. And some strangers too... thank you again. Meanwhile, I'll be honest enough and admit that I've become a twat for Twitter. If my 'follower' count is an indication, the world doesn't particularly care about the tweets of a twat. Then again, I don't really care. It struck me sitting on the crapper the other day that it's OK to not care sometimes. It's not really going to make a difference to my or someone else's life as much as we'd like to believe. I digress.

So what do I have to say. As always, not much really. My themes are the same still. Love. Longing. Fears. Tears. Guilt. All those emotions that make me who I am. I'm guessing my readers are a little tired of these recurring themes, which is why I haven't written much in a while. But believe me, I'm trying to be kinder to myself and to others. It's the only way.

London, like Bombay, teases and pleases in equal measure. Two years on, I'm still the outsider. Funnily, 27 years on, I still feel like an outsider in Bombay, among the people I grew up with. Strange. Like, Bombay, there are parts of London I've never been to and there are those parts that I'm still discovering. Unfortunately, I've run out of time. Perhaps in another time, in another place, London will be mine for the taking. Or just about any other city in the world. I ramble.

Phone calls, emails, text messages, even letters and cards - keep them coming. It didn't turn out the way it was meant to be. I read somewhere, life's what happens when you're busy making plans. Along the way, new friends were lost, promises were broken, things became ugly and the bond was lost. All that remain are some not so pleasant memories of people and places and way things should not have been. So be it, I'm not going to cry over spilt milk and what could have been. Or the inheritance of loss.

Over the last one year and then some, I've realised that kindness is. The most unlikely people hold you up and wipe your tears, friends and ex-lovers are always there and the kindness of strangers can gladden your heart and give you hope. Smile and the world smiles with you indeed, cry and you cry alone. On a not-so-warm summer night, sleepless in a city you can't really call home. Yet, home is where the heart lies. I need to know where my heart lies before I can make my home. And someone said to me, "Look beyond... find within... and make it quick!"

This is not quite it then... and here I go again.

No comments: